Life & Loss

So I've always wanted to do this blogging thing just never really been that good at writing (but yet I appear in the newspaper once a month) and honestly, just never thought I had the time. Alas, I still don't really have the time but sometimes you just need to make the time and get some thoughts/feelings out.

On May 31st I lost my Grandpa to the dreaded, evil disease known as Cancer (he died of pancreatic cancer to be exact). This all happened so fast I still pinch myself to make sure this wasn't just an ugly, awful dream.

Here's a little background.

Grandpa was a stern, stubborn yet loving man. I, being the first grandchild, spent oodles of time with my Grandma & Grandpa and developed a significantly strong bond. Growing up, I had countless friends who either had no grandparents to share and make memories with or, if they had their grandparents, they saw them rarely. That was strange to me since I had/have been so close to my grandparents (when we moved to GA when I was in the 4th grade, the distance changed the frequency of visits but that was about all).

I was lucky enough that growing up, they lived relatively close and we were always going to their house or vice versa. Growing up in S. FL they took us to Disney World, Sea World, etc. frequently and it seemed like there was never a space shuttle launching that we didn't have a pass to be in Cape Canaveral watching this magnificent aircraft take off into outer space in the flesh. I can still remember the rumble and heat from these liftoffs. We went on many camping trips with the entire family and the events, experiences, laughs, cries we all shared are memories that will last a lifetime.

Grandpa retired from Southern Bell and after retirement started a senior softball league. One thing about Grandpa - he absolutely loved baseball. Word got around and before you knew it, this softball league got up and running and he was playing almost 5 days a week. I went to several games and I will admit, my thoughts and visions of "old guys" playing softball were quite humorous but in reality, these men came to play and play they did. These guys were great!

Roughly 5 years ago, Grandpa replaced wood flooring in their house after a water leak. Grandpa being the stubborn German he was, rather than hire someone to repair the floor, he decided he could replace it himself for half the cost. He sure replaced it but ended up hurting himself in the process. Too much bending and work on his hands and knees led to extreme back pain which resulted in major back surgery where they fused part of his spine together. He had a rough time after surgery as he contracted a nasty and deadly staph infection that nearly took his life.

Those that know Grandpa know that he never let anything get him down and was not going to let this staph infection get the best of him. He spent countless days in the hospital undergoing extreme treatments and ultimately was released to "heal" at home. He beat that staph infection but I believe it always remained with him. A combination of the back surgery and treatment for the staph infection changed his life. He could no longer play out his passion - baseball/softball and the hyperbaric treatments he underwent for the infection may have led to mild dementia.

Grandpa had a difficult time walking and experienced pain when he walked for too long so most of the time he spent sitting in his chair watching TV. This drastically changed his lifestyle but also the life of my Grandma. She turned from loving housewife and cook to primary caregiver - taking care of herself, Grandpa, the house, the dog, bills, etc. Quite an adjustment to the way she's lived for many, many years. But she embraced her new "roles" with dignity and rose to the challenge and if I say so myself, has done a damn good job!

Over the past 3-4 years, Grandpa's memory was getting slightly worse with the years but he never forgot who I was when I called. He may not have remembered anything else we discussed earlier but he always knew who it was when I called. His walking ability decreased and pain level increased yet he would constantly deny he was in pain and that he was "sick". He was that stubborn! He wouldn't let you help him. Wheelchairs? Not for this guy! Motorized scooters? Heck no! He would stagger out of his chair, hunchback and all and walk to where ever just to "prove" he was fine. We knew otherwise.

The last 5 months are just mind blowing to me. Grandpa was sick and I'll save you the indepth details and just tell you he had some stomach issues. His family Dr. called in prescription after prescription to help this issue but nothing helped. The last visit to the Dr. he suggested they admit Grandpa into the hospital to finally see if they could get a cause/diagnosis for this lingering ailment. Grandpa had agreed to go into the hospital for this testing and I truly believe he agreed to this only because he had had enough of this crap (no pun intended) for the past 5 months. Grandpa was admitted May 20th. He was told he had the C-diff bacterial infection and they treated him for that. A blood test was taken & a CT scan revealed shadows on his lungs, liver and pancreas. On May 21st, it was said the blood test revealed he had pancreatic cancer.

A total and utter state of shock and disbelief blanketed the family. Besides my Grandfather being a diabetic, he was a relatively healthy man otherwise and he had no real problems other than the stomach issues of late. Thank God my Uncle Jim was in FL with my Grandma when this news came as I cannot imagine her doing this by herself. My mom & dad drove down May 27th and my Uncle Bud from AZ made plans to fly down that Wed. May 28th.

Having experienced losing my Grammie (my dad's mom) to pancreatic cancer over 10 years ago, the one thing I knew was that this was a fast moving disease and in the elderly it can happen super quick. An angel of a coworker offered me his Skymiles so I could get down in time. I flew in May 28th suprising my Aunt & Uncle who had a layover in ATL and we all flew down together.

Upon arriving in Melbourne, we immediately went to the hospital and having known the outcome was bad, I wasn't sure what to expect when I saw Grandpa. He looked good to me, despite all the machines in ICU, he was alert, talking to me and appeared his usual self but in reality, we was losing a lot of blood and as hard as it was to admit, he was dying. That's when the emotions came like a rushing river after a heavy rain storm. I just couldn't believe I was seeing my Grandpa laying in this hospital knowing at any moment, he would/could leave us.

Grandpa utterly amazed me for the next 3 days. We would visit multiple times a day and he maintained his mind, spirit and sense of humor until the very end. We laughed, we cried and we cried some more. On Thursday May 29th, the family & I gathered around his bed in ICU, all holding hands, crying and my Uncle Jim told him that he was diagnosed with cancer and that there was no treatment. He told him that the family will be OK, Grandma will be watched over and taken care of and that we were OK for him to let go when he was ready. Without missing a beat, Grandpa said, "well where are we going"? The laughter and sobs came from around the room and the Kleenex were aplenty. We no sooner start blowing our noses Grandpa utters up a "how long you been keeping that snot in there"? I couldn't believe it. He just cracked a joke but then again, that's my Grandpa. You never knew when he was going to toss out a wisenheimer comment.

Grandpa had a brother, Bill with whom he shared a really strong, unique bond. The family knew Grandpa wanted to see Bill one last time but Bill has some health issues that kept him from getting to Grandpa's beside until the afternoon of Sat. May 31.

Late Saturday evening, May 31st at approx. 9:35 pm, I got the dreaded call from the hospital and even though I was extremely saddened by the call, a sense of relief had come across me because from the way I saw Grandpa on Saturday morning, I didn't want him to continue to live in his current state. Seeing him that Saturday morning was probably one of the toughest moments for me. He wasn't the same vibrant man, he was my Grandpa - dying a slow yet fast death. That Saturday he was breathing heavy, had a horrible heavy chest cough (pneumonia had set in, I'm sure) and his eyes, where hard to open, but when he did they were very glazed and distant. He couldn't talk as it appeared his tongue was swollen. I went in briefly that morning, he awoke suddenly and I instantly lost it. I didn't want to upset him so I quickly told him how much I loved him with all my heart and to my amazement he mumbled what I could decipher was "I love you, too". I'll never forget those words.

The afternoon of May 31st, my youngest cousin Jimmy and I needed a breather so we made a impromptu trip to the beach. We agreed to meet the family in a couple hours for dinner and just wanted a little relaxation time. As we were getting ready to head back home, a lifeguard informed us the space shuttle launch and we could see it to the east. Sure enough, the magnificent fireball went by - up, up and away. Jimmy & I looked at each other and talked about the meaning of that particular moment.

We didn't know that day would be the day we'd lose our remarkable Grandpa but that particular moment had some kind of significance for us. What were the chances we happened to be in FL, at the beach at that moment to witness the shuttle going up to space again?

Other irioncies, coincidences, fateful moments (whatever you prefer) that occured that day - (1) May 31st is the "official" Memorial Day (Grandpa was a WWII vet) (2) the first tropical storm was brewing in the Pacific (where Grandpa fought) and it's name, Arthur.
I believe there were others but I'm drawing a blank.

Unfortunately deaths are a part of life and they have happened to many people in my life thus far and there unfortunately will be more. Last year was an extremely tough loss for me - the loss of a very good family friend who succombed to so much pain and change in his life. I never thought I'd make it through that funeral but I know he's in heaven, looking over me, pointing all the crazy men in this world in my direction (Thanks Stan) but protecting me from harm. He's in a much better place.

Now it's this loss that again, I still find myself in a somewhat state of shock. But I know the spirit of Grandpa will live on and his legacy will never be forgotten. I've also learned a lot about myself and life in general from these experiences. I've got a life to live and live it I am going to do. The most important lesson I've learned dealing with deaths and sadness is that it's never too late to let that special someone know just how much they mean to you and what they've added to your life. To hear that you've touched someone, helped someone or guided someone I think, would be a great gift.

I am extremely blessed and lucky to have been given my grandpa for 83 years and am extremely lucky to have made it down in time to tell Grandpa just how special he is to me and to thank him for all he'd done for me in so many ways and for the most important gifts he'd given me of all - the best mom and Grandma in the world.

Grandpa will be missed beyond words but definitely not forgotten. RIP - Arthur Charles Muenckler, Sr. XOXOXO